terça-feira, julho 5


My dearest,

I told you over the phone that I would write when I had the time. Better, when I had THAT quality time in which you feel extremely good on spending it without that rush. It comes to a sentence told me by Marcelo, which I kept in heart: it is good to do things with time. He said it trying to argue that his 45min bath was not long. But I understood it bigger: it is good to do anything with time. Meaning, I am here just thinking about this and nothing, that I reckon, will interfere me on stopping it. I want to do it now, my amount of time seems more than enough and it feels just great to use it this way.

After all this useless commencement speech (sorry dear reader), I will start, definitely writing what I had in mind when I opened my mac book.
I decided that I will wait. I'm tired of searching, looking for, conquering, being anxious, having ideas and being proactive. Now, I am a waiter. Time will serve me, not the opposite. I will wait things to happen, event if there is nothing more to happen than my shower not being able to heat the water well enough.

One may say, oh, please, Fernanda, don't be so negative or pessimist. Indeed, it is quite the opposite. By waiting, I'm forcing myself to be optimistic. Would anyone wait for an earthquake? I would run away, knowing it was coming.

This extremely difficult task that I am setting myself is not a naïve or lazy one. To know me and realize how difficult this would be to myself would only take the reader a single line on a dialog. I'm anxious. I'm a doer. I hate to sit in front of my computer for nine hours a day. I am the one telling colleagues to do more that we have done last year, meaning more work, more dull things to organize. You know, I rock.

But here I am. Tired of expecting all crazy things about life. A huge-duper-mega-blaster sunset, an incredible song to play, a masterpiece movie to watch, a smart man to talk to (this, I guess, the hardest one to find --- oops, just kidding, it is to make readers laugh).

"God does not need our help". I've heard this from a friend, a line that made me go deeper and deeper each time it came in to my thoughts. But I keep trying to help him. I will call that guy, I will write another one, I will buy a glass of wine. Expecting this or that to happen. Waiting for that kind of attitude. Planing that perfect weekend. And things fail, here and there. Sometimes, it really occurs as we wanted, sometimes it does not. And the difference between the two of them? Comparing what I deposited on each situation, no difference at all. Conclusion is He does not need me. It happens when it is proper. Period. I can antecipate, prepare, expect and bingo! And do the same thing and bullshit!

The truth on that sentence relies on faith: I waiting on God but I not lying on my couch. I will keep everything running, just by doing that to wait more on Him.

Let Him bring me what I need.

Everytime I did it, He surprised me. To show me that His love was greater than my lack of faith (because on those occasions I did wait with no hope and by tiredness).

Now, I will allow myself to get inside His wishes and dispositions.
Meanwhile, I will buy a new shower, of course.